Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO