Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?