Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
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[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
scares
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
what’s the point then??
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.