Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
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LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Seems legit
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow