Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say