Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
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[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
dead inside
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train