Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
You Might Also Like
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Webb. James Webb.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
The booster protects against what, now?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.