Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

Did a trash talking tree write this?

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish