Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

want me to check your oil?

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]