Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store