Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia