ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
You Might Also Like
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Favourite diary entry ever
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head