me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
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Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.