me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
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It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
constantly working on myself.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
How I like cutting carbs
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.