Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
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I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Poetry is my passion
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.