Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!