Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.