Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.