Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.