Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

uh oh

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie