Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10