Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
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I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
back to work
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean