Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
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#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Inventor of sparkling water: Hear me out; water, but it hurts.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?