ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
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TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Meanwhile in Portland…
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind