ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
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Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Cat is stressing him out.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.