Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

My birthstone is a marshmallow

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”