Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
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*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today