Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
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Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.