Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments