me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
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People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”