me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Mouse
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!