Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.