Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

BETRAYAL

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.