Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

Potatoes were such a good idea

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you