me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me recordaron éste meme
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Beware of fowl play.
*serious situation*
My brain:
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me