Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”