Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
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A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.