Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

My first child will be named New Folder.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

when someone rings the doorbell

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’