me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
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Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Lucky old June.
🤣
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy