me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
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What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on