Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
You Might Also Like
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
sweet dreams💖
