Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

🍂🕷️🍂

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.