me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
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You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
when mom throws a party…
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
First I was a pebble..
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”