me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The future is now.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down