Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

Tower: Where are you, pilot?

Pilot: I’m over Cologne.

Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

nobody’s gonna understand

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*