Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

🥴😂

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.