Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

FINE, I WON’T.

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick