me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
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One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
he’s sick of your bullshit today
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.