Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

we did it you guys we saved daylight

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

this is the best interaction on twitter