Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?