Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
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I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”