Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

I’m hunting wabbits…

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…