Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

Howl 😭

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

Good morning y’all ☀️