me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
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Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Natty or not?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.