me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
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In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
the red hot silly peppers
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Don’t snitch tag.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries