me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
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He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread