Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….