So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
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*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?