Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
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They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat