Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star

Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.