Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.