Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”