Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

Looks like it’s time to find a friend with benefits*

*backyard chickens

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*