Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.

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I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.


Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.


Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.


I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.


The Rubik’s Cube’s already solved when you buy it so there’s really no reason to touch it.


A speedo is just a man’s way of saying “not today girls”.


ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.


Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”


[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*


You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.