Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

I want this so bad

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails