ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
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HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?