my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
ME: no paris
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
If you stop at a yellow light I’m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.