@fro_vo

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

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@JeremyBRoberts

I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.

@lasergirl70

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

@ohpegah

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

@Bob_Janke

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

@goulcher

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

@AlexRogaski

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

@SnizzleFrizzle

My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.

Too bad it’s neither of them.

@RdrJay47

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?