ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

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I once ate a Milk-bone as a kid and was happy I didn’t die so I celebrated by eating five more.


I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.


The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga


When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat


Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence


The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in


I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food


I never close my eyes in the shower because that’s how murderers know when to show up and kill you.


Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields