ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh